Wednesday, May 4, 2011

Ayear ago today I was told my baby girl was going to die..

Today was my first milestone from the past year. All week it has been lurking behind me and sneaking up at my weak moments. I play that day over and over in my head. I was so excited to go to my doctors appointment. They were all great at this point because every single time I got a sonogram and saw the most beautiful babies playing together. My babies. This trip was really special because I was taking Tiana with me to see them for the first time. The sonogram before was the "we THINK its a girl". They thought and I knew. Before we got in there I said " I really hope they don't find a penis on her"... famous last words. After what always seemed like an eternity and a quiet nurse, my doctor came in. I was expecting the usual "they look perfect and are growing big" but it wasn't that talk. She told me that my first and only daughter had only a few weeks to live. That she was not getting enough blood through her cord. I have never in my life felt like I did hearing those words. Things like that just don't happen to me. Why didn't she get that? I quit smoking the day I found out I was pregnant, I didn't drink caffeine, I was perfect when it came to the care of this pregnancy. Really. Why me? Why her? I found out that once the baby passes away I would keep her inside of me. That I would be at risk for premature labor and a list of all kinds of other things.

In the hallway outside I collapsed. The agony of it-unbearable. Once I composed myself, I headed out to the parking garage. I remember hearing Tiana tell Patrick "I have never seen her like this." I ended up calling a triplet mom that I knew through a friend. Shaunna. Poor Shaunna. We had never before exchanged words on the phone, only through facebook. I called her while I was crying and freaking out. She sat on the phone with me and just keep talking until I calmed down. I knew she would understand what it was like to have 3 babies inside of you and love them so desperately.

I went home and called my OB/GYN. He was the same dr I used to deliver Cameron and at the time I trusted him. I made an appointment for the following day because I needed a second opinion. I went alone to the appointment (I have no idea why I was that stupid) but I really thought he would give me hope. Make me feel better. Tell me that it was all a big mistake. No. He confirmed what she said and went into more detail. Again, I walked out of there, this time alone. I started crying so loud that people were turning around and I fell onto the floor. I guess this is about the time that I started trying to make deals with God. I would have done anything. 

She lived past the couple of weeks they gave her. And she kept living. Week after week they were telling me she would die and week after week we proved them wrong. On June 16th, 8 weeks after that appointment, my baby girl went to heaven. I know now that she fought because she had to save her brothers. If she would have passed away when they suspected, my Ricky and Reese would not be asleep right now in the next room. I thank her everyday for that gift. She isn't just my baby, she is my hero.  


  1. Praying for you, Margie :(

  2. Margie, I am so sorry.

    I like to frame Caitlin's death in the exact same way. We found at when I was 15 weeks pregnant that she had only a 50/50 chance of surviving until birth. We found out she'd passed when I was 30 weeks, 1 day, and I delivered almost exactly 24 hours later. I had absolutely no signs of pre-term labor my entire pregnancy; the day before I delivered, my cervix was still long and closed. We are convinced that Caitlin's death sent me into labor, and it makes us feel better to think that she held on as long as she could to make sure her sisters were safe.

    Hang in there. It gets. . .not easier, but easier to live with. It just takes awhile.