Tuesday, May 4, 2010

May 4th. The day my heart broke.

May 4th started out like any other sonogram day. I was sooo excited to see my babies and this time I was taking Tiana for the first time. My biggest worry was that somehow my baby girl would grow a "tail". During the scan the nurse got really quiet as they typically do when something just isn't right. I asked her over and over if something was wrong. I got the standard "the Dr will talk to you as soon as I am done" answer but her eyes were telling me the story. The Dr explained that my only daughter was dying. They gave her just two short weeks to live. I just couldn't believe it. This was my baby girl. My daughter. She was diagnosed with absent end diastolic velocity. Not getting enough blood to her heard from her cord. Not only was my daughter going to die but she would die inside of her own mother. My body was failing my child. As we walked out of the office I let out a scream and fell to my knees. I couldn't believe that I was given such a rare gift to only have it taken away. I begged and pleaded with God to let me keep her. I made deals and promises. I would have done anything asked of me to just keep her alive. It was out of my hands.

I decided the next morning that we needed to get baptized. I had never been Baptized and I needed to feel the safety of His arms around me during this journey. CBC held an emergency baptism just for me on May 6th. A large group of my closest friends showed up to Pray for my baby girl. I was humbled by how many people were already in love with her. She changed so many lives in her 25 weeks of life. Every life has a purpose.

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